I haven’t written in a while. I still cannot find the words to write what I would love to write so I’ll just tell you about 4:30.

Long story short. I closed on my house. My dad died. All in a matter of a few days.

My world has crashed. My dad was my world. I called us the bookends of the family. He was the oldest and I was youngest. Now…it’s just me. I won’t even be 48 till July, and yet I have no immediate family.

This sucks.

I miss my dad so much. I miss my mom and I miss my brothers. BUT I miss my dad like there’s no tomorrow. Some days I can’t breathe.

My dad was very methodical. I inherited his OCDness. I like things done a certain way and in a certain order. As did he.

My dad called me every day at 4:30. EVERY. DAY. AT. 4:30. Guess what doesn’t happen at 4:30 anymore?! My phone no longer rings. I even had a special ring. My Grace Mae knew when her granddaddy was calling. She would jump up. I had the phone on speaker so she could hear his voice. I miss his voice.

One of the pastimes my dad enjoyed immensely was swinging on his back porch. He would spend hours on it.

I’m always aware of 4:30. I keep waiting for the phone to ring…his special ring. We even had the exact same phone conversation each time. I would laugh before and say it’s because he could never hear me so it was easy to stay consistent.

I’m trying to start a new thing to help ME.

Did I mention my dad died?

At 4:30 every day, Gracie Mae and I sit in my yard. I don’t have a swing, but I have a chair. I close my eyes and recite our conversation that we had EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. He would ask how his little girl was (Gracie Mae, not me). But he ended the conversation telling me how much he loved.

His last words spoken were telling me he loved me and “we’re gonna make it.” I know Daddy made it. And I’m still here. Did I mention my dad died?

It’s almost 4:30 so it’s time for me to sit outside and channel my dad’s voice. I sure miss him. I hope for more inspiration in writing a better blog next time.

Did I mention my dad died?

Peace out, Trout!

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