Holidays have me all…

I like to plan ahead. Just my nature. I have my thanksgiving meal all sorted and planned out. If I could cook it now, I would. I nearly have all my Christmas bought. Tonight I started wrapping. Don’t know if I’ll put up a tree or not, but since I’ll be taking the gifts elsewhere, it should be fine either way.

Sometimes out of nowhere grief takes your legs completely out from under you and you fall face forward without time to catch yourself. That happened tonight. Grief is a funny thing. I think it’s a misconception to others. Just because I always ‘pretend’ I’m okay doesn’t mean I am. I know I’m not alone.

When grief overwhelms you, you just have to roll with the punches and not fight it. I finally caved tonight. The first time in a while I allowed myself to feel. Most days I push away those feelings. It’s easier that way.

But they are playing all these sweet commercials on TV. People on Facebook talking about all this family gatherings and such. I just can’t help myself tonight. So I wallowed in my grief. I was the perfect country song. I listened to sad songs and cried while drinking water. OK…that made me laugh at myself because I don’t have the energy to drink anything heavier than water.

Reba McEntire wrote a song, “If I Had Only Known” for the 8 Seconds soundtrack forever ago and it’s so fitting for any death, but especially my mom. “..I foolishly believed you that you would always be there…”

How often do we take life for granted? Every. Damn. Day. So…yes…I shed a million and one tears tonight to the point my chest hurt. I miss my mom so much. I would give anything to bring her back, but I can’t. I never will. That’s the part that sucks. The part of never holding her hand again.

Why am I writing and being so open tonight? Just to say to others who hold in their pain like me: you are not alone.

Thanksgiving is only a week away. I won’t go and force myself to eat turkey that my mom bathed in sage. I won’t fuss at Daddy for eating before everyone because he was hungry and couldn’t wait. I won’t get to indulge in her delicious banana pudding. However, I will cook my own big meal. I will indulge in my own banana pudding. I will remember my mom..and wish she were here to cook for. If she were here, I would cook her up some frog legs and chicken and dumplings because those were her favorite things I cooked, in her opinion.

To all of you preparing for family festivities next week. Don’t fuss over all the houses you have to visit or all the meals you have to force yourself to eat. Just be thankful!

Peace out, Trout!

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